Saturday, May 28, 2011

My Edits Regarding the Last Post: I got 10.

I'm posting this in a separate posting to not spoil anyone's guesses who might still be trying to find all the errors in the nice dentist's flyer.

To review:

Name of dentist, deleted to keep me from being too catty

Our office performs general and pediatric dentistry and orthodontic
Our office also offers sealants, night guard, flouride and many more services

We offer Fast Braces (Patients only wear the braces for 12 to 15 months it correct teeth faster than traditional brace. Our office can also offer you care credit if needed.

We accept Medicaid, Tx chip and most insurance. Our office can also offer you care credit if needed.

Specials: Whitening $100($350 value)


I'd edit the following things.


Name of dentist, etc

Our office performs general and pediatric dentistry and orthodontic 1. Orthodonic what? Care? It is an adjective and needs a noun or should be changed into a noun form (orthodontia? I'm not sure-- I'm not a dentist.) 2. Needs a period at the sentence.

Our office also offers sealants, night guard, flouride and many more services 3. Since "sealants" is plural, I think "night guards" should be as well. 4. This sentence also needs a period.

We offer Fast Braces 5. Period here, because the parenthesis is missing the other half and I'm going to remove it altogether. ( 6. Remove parenthesis, as the other half is missing. Patients only wear the braces for 12 to 15 months it correct teeth faster than traditional brace. 7. This is a run-on sentence, so it needs either a period and capital after "months" or at least a semi-colon. Of course, a single comma isn't strong enough for that location, either. 8. "Correct" should be "corrects" because the word "it" is singular. If they changed "it" to "they" for "braces" that would also work, but not "it" with "correct." That's subject-verb agreement. Finally, 9, the word "brace" should be "braces." Our office can also offer you care credit if needed.

We accept Medicaid, Tx chip and most insurance 10. TX Chip and I think you could argue it should be "most insurances" or "most insurance plans" but I won't count that one. Our office can also offer you care credit if needed. I won't count this one, either, but it's a completely repeated sentence, so I feel something needs to be done about that, plus I don't know what "care credit" is or if it differs from regular credit somehow.
Specials: Whitening $100($350 value) Needs a space between the two dollar amounts...but I don't have the heart to make that #11.


How did you do? Did I miss anything? It's entirely possible. I may have been a middle school English and Reading teacher, but I really didn't hyper-focus on the finer points of grammar. I'm really not that picky, I don't think. If you want to see posts by someone who REALLY knows the English language, then I direct you to Edittorrent...quite amazing. She knows grammar and punctuation inside out.

2 comments:

  1. Yes to all of the above including "most insurance plans". I would think "care credit" needs to be capitalized if it is a specific credit service or, better yet, use the name of the actual service. Or if you mean financing is available, then just say so.

    I would charge the author with #11 as the missing space.

    I find "many more services" to be awkward - "many other services" please.

    And I'm just crazy and old-fashioned, but I miss my friend the comma before the and in lists. I know we don't do that anymore, but it really made things clearer.

    Poorly written work leaps off the page and slaps me all the time. Completely distracts me from what I was supposed to gain from said flyer.
    -Leia

    ReplyDelete
  2. Leia,
    I'm with you on the third comma with lists...I miss it, too. :)

    ReplyDelete

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